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תקציר הפרק הקודם: אימון משותף של גדי וצחי מעלה תובנות חדשות

 

 

כשהגענו לאשראם תמרנו דרך קבוצות המבקרים שמילאו את הרחבה מול שער הכניסה ועצרנו מול שולחנה של פקידת הרישום. היא חיבקה את צחי, חייכה אליי, שאלה מספר שאלות ורשמה את התשובות בטפסים שלפניה.

"אז מתי מתחילים?" שאלתי כשסיימה עם הניירת.

"ברגע שתביא לי את תוצאות בדיקת האיידס," אמרה בחגיגיות.

"בדיקת איידס," הנהנתי ופניתי לצחי. "אני הולך להציק לה קצת," לחשתי.

"אתה יכול לנסות אבל חבל לך על הזמן," ציחקק בתגובה. "לנשים הללו יש עור עבה של ממותות. לא סתם הן עובדות בקבלת קהל.

"עוד נראה," אמרתי ופניתי אליה. "אמרת בדיקת איידס?"

פקידת הרישום פיהקה והרימה את עיניה מהטופס שלפניה.

"כן."

"למה דווקא איידס? מה הפראנויה שלכם לגבי מחלת האיידס?"

"העשייה באשראם גורמת לחברים להתחבר, להתקרב, להיפתח ולהימשך האחד לשני," אמרה באנגלית במבטא ספרדי כבד. "כמובן שאני מדברת על תהליכים נפשיים ורוחניים ואולם, לעיתים, ניתנים לתהליכים הללו גם ביטויים גופניים וארציים. בדיקות האיידס נועדו לוודא שבריאותם של החברים לא תיפגע כתוצאה מהמעשה."

"את מדברת על יחסי מין?" שאלתי.

"אכן, כן," קרצה בשובבות. "אתה ישיר מאוד. לאדוני יש אנרגיה חזקה."

"אבל למה דווקא איידס?" הקשתי. "הרי יש מספר לא מבוטל של מחלות אחרות שאפשר לקבל מקיום יחסי מין. עגבת, כלימידיה, פטריות למינהן, סרטן צוואר הרחם ועוד. לא חסרות מחלות. מה יש לכם מאיידס?"

"איידס הורג!"

"גם צהבת וסרטן צוואר הרחם. להתייחס לאיידס ולהתעלם משאר המחלות זה כמו לטעון שמדיטציה נעשית רק כשיושבים על סלע מתחת למפל מים שוצפים."

היא קמטה את מצחה נוכח השימוש הלא שיגרתי באחת משורות המכירה המוצלחות ביותר של האשראם. חייכתי ברשעות וסיכמתי: "ישנן דרכים רבות לחלות ולמות כתוצאה מקיום יחסי מין, ממש כמו שישנן דרכים רבות לעשיית מדיטציה."

היא בהתה בי רגע ממושך ואז פרצה בצחוק מתקתק.

"הקבלה מגוחכת," אמרה. "אדוני מאוד משעשע."

"לא מגוכחת יחסית לאמונה שלכם שאפשר להידבק באיידס מישיבה בשירותים."

"אוקיי," אמרה בחיוך מרגיע וצווארה המאורך התגמש לאחור, מבטה חולף על השירותים שניצבו מאחוריה. שערה השחור והשופע זרם בגלים על כתפיה כשסובבה את ראשה, מבהיק בכחול לאורה של השמש. "עכשיו אני מבינה למה אתה קורן מאנרגיה של לחץ וכעס. סובל משלפוחית לא רגועה? צריך לשרותים וכועס שאסור לך להשתמש בשרותי החברים?"

"אני לא חושב שאת…"

"אני מייעצת שתלך מחר מוקדם בבוקר ותבצע את בדיקת האיידס," קטעה את דברי. "אתה תרגיש הרבה יותר רגוע לאחריה."

"אבל…"

"וברגע שתביא את האישור, אני מבטיחה שבו ביום תוכל להשתמש בשרותי החברים. השרותים החופשיים ממחלת האיידס והמצויים בכל רחבי האשראם," סיכמה בקריצה.

"מספיק," לחש צחי שעד עתה שמר על שקט מאופק. "חבל על הזמן." הוא החליף מספר מילים עם הגברת המחוייכת, חבק את כתפי וגרר אותי מהמקום.

"עוד לא סיימתי איתה," התלוננתי.

"לי דווקא נראה שמיצית את העניין."

"הייתי קרוב לעבור לפסים אישיים שופעי אנרגיה שלילית. היא ממש עיצבנה אותי עם האנרגיות שלה."

"אנרגיה זו מילת מפתח באשראם."

"מילה שכבר יוצאת לי מכל החורים."

"אתה ממש חסר תקנה," גנח.

"מה?" התממתי.

"נו באמת. אם תמשיך ככה בקרוב אי אפשר יהיה להשאיר אותך לבד לשניה, שלא לדבר על כך שלעולם לא תסיים את תהליך הקבלה."

צחי דרש להיות נוכח מעתה והלאה בכל שלב של תהליך הקבלה ולו רק בכדי לוודא שאעבור אותו בשלום. לפני שנפרדנו, הוא ביקש שאבטיח כי אפגוש אותו למחרת בבוקר ליד שער הכניסה לאשראם.

"למה לך לבוא איתי?" שאלתי. "אני אהיה בסדר, זו רק בדיקת איידס."

"בכל מקום בפונה יש חסידים שופעי אנרגיה," אמר. "הכי טוב שאבוא לשמור עלייך שלא תתחרפן. אחר כך נוכל להתאמן."

בלב כבד חזרתי אל ביתה של אבהטי, טרוד ומבולבל מההחלטה להצטרף אל האשראם.

'טעות!' קראו המחשבות. 'זה לא בשבילך. אתה תתחרפן מהאנרגיות.'

נשארתי חסר מנוחה כל הערב ואפילו הספקתי לריב עם טסה כאשר האשמתי אותה באובדנו של השעון המעורר.

"זה השעון שלי," הזכירה לי, "וזכותי המלאה לאבד אותו אם אני רוצה. חוץ מזה, אל תשכח שלא אני איבדתי אותו אלא אתה – אתה היית זה שהשתמש בו אחרון."

דבריה, צודקים כשהיו, לא הצליחו לשפר את מצב רוחי. גם כשלבסוף מצאה את השעון במקום בו הטמנתי אותו, סירבתי להודות באשמה.

"את החבאת אותו!" קראתי ולא הופתעתי כשסובבה את גבה והתעלמה מקיומי במשך שארית הערב.

*

למחרת בשבע בבוקר, כחצי שעה לפני שהשעון המעורר של טסה אמור היה לפצוח בצילצוליו, פרצה אבהטי אל חדרנו כרוח סערת המונסון.

"יש לי!" צרחה ולמשמע קולה הרועם התיישבתי בחדות על המזרן. בהיתי בה בפיהוק בעוד טסה מתכרבלת מתחת לשמיכה, מנסה ללא הצלחה למצוא מחבוא מהמתקפה המילולית של מארחתנו.

"מצאתי מה שחפשת," צווחה אבהטי לעברי ומיד פנתה לטסה שהתחפרה עמוק ורחוק כמיטב יכלתה. "אל תדאגי – גם את הסידור שלך נמצא בקרוב."

"אפשר לשאול מה חפשתי?" קראתי. אבהטי נאנחה בכבדות.

"מורה לתיפוף. מצאתי אחד שתואם לכל הקריטריונים שהצבת. מישהו ממש טוב."

"ממש טוב?"

"טוב וזמין. הוא יוכל להגיע היום אחר הצהריים, אם תרצה. תרצה?"

"לא יודע…"

"מה לא יודע? המורה שמצאתי לך הוא אחד המתופפים הטובים בהודו."

"אבל…"

"אבל מה?" הבעת פניה המשולהבת החלה לקבל גוון אדמדם עצבני. נראה היה שהיא מחכה לתשובה חיובית, כאן ועכשיו. עיניה בהו בי בציפייה מתוחה וחשדנית.

"תני לי דקה," בקשתי בעדינות. "רק הרגע התעוררנו. תני לי שניה לעכל את החדשות ואז נדבר."

"בסדר," פלטה באכזבה אך מיד אורו פניה. "רוצים קפה?"

"בהחלט."

"אתה כזה חמוד,"אבהטי חייכה, יצאה וסגרה את הדלת אחריה. נשמתי לרווחה ונשכבתי בחזרה על המזרן.

"היא הלכה?" לחשה טסה ממעבה שמיכותיה. "אפשר לצאת? אני הולכת להחנק מחום."

"הקרקע בטוחה."

ראשה בצבץ באיטיות, עיניה סוקרות בחשש את החדר.

"אז מה את אומרת?" שאלתי.

"שהיא ממש מטורפת הגברת הזאת."

"ובקשר להצעתה?"

"השתגעת?" עיוותה פניה. "אל תגיד לי שאתה סומך על שיקול דעתה?"

"אני לא יודע. אולי שווה לנסות."

"באמת?" טסה הרימה גבה בפקפוק. "אתה מפתיע אותי."

"למה? בגלל שהיא לא יציבה בנפשה?"

"כמובן."

"אני מבין אותך אבל לי זה לא מפריע מכיוון שבסך הכל היא מתכוונת רק לטוב."

"תעשה לי טובה," טסה גיחכה. "היא רוצה להשכיר את החדר לעוד מספר ימים, זה מה שהיא רוצה."

"מה זה משנה? המחיר והתנאים סבירים בהחלט ויש גם סיכוי שהמורה לתיפוף שמצאה יהיה טוב וסביר לא פחות."

"שיהיה," נאנחה בכבדות. "רק אל תתלונן אם תמצא את עצמך לומד תיפוף מקוף."

היא סגרה את עיניה וסובבה את גבה אליי. הנחתי יד על כתפה בעודי תוהה האם הסתיגויותיה נובעות מעובדת היותה חסרת מעש בעוד אני, בנוסף להצטרפות לאשראם, קיבלתי הצעה ללימודי תיפוף. נשכתי את שפתי, חושב שעדיף היה לו אבהטי השיגה מורה לציור. הרי אני ממילא הייתי שקוע כל כולי באימונים עם צחי.

"הקפה מוכן," שאגה אבהטי מהמטבח. "בואו לשתות."

"אני מתכוון להזכיר לה שהבטיחה לך מורה לציור," אמרתי בעודי קם מהמזרן. טסה שלחה יד ומשכה אותי חזרה למטה.

"שלא תעז!" הזהירה. "אתמול, כשבילית עם צחי, ישבתי והכנתי לי תוכנית עבודה מפורטת לימים הקרובים. יש לי הרבה מה לעשות, הרבה תרגול על טכניקת הציור הסיני. הדבר האחרון שאני זקוקה לו הוא המופרעת הזאת על הראש."

"חשבתי שרצית ללמוד ציור הודי."

"רציתי והתחרטתי. יש לי מספיק מה לתרגל. אין טעם להוסיף עוד. זה יבוא על חשבון האיכות."

הבעתה הנחרצת אוששה את כנות מילותיה. נראה שדאגתי לחינם. טסה, שגדלה באנגליה בכפר מרוחק ודליל מאדם, ושהיתה בת יחידה להורים קשי יום, ידעה תמיד כיצד לנצל את זמנה.

"אוקיי, בייבי," חייכתי ושוב קמתי מהמזרן. "באה לקפה?"

"תעשה טובה ותביא את הקפה לפה," לחשה. "יש לי הרבה ציוד לארגן ואין לי כח לשטויות שלה. השעה רק תשע בבוקר."

*

עזבתי את החדר בסביבות עשר, בדרכי לפגוש את צחי שכפי שקבענו, ילווה אותי למרפאה. ניחוחות הלחם הטרי גרמו לי לעצור במאפיה הגרמנית ולקנות בייגל טוסט. שילמתי ועמדתי לצד דלפק ההגשה, מחכה לאוכל ומתעלם בגבורה מנסיונותיהם של כמה מחסידי האשראם לפתח שיחה. הנהנתי ללא אומר לשמע המשפטים שהיו שגורים בפיותיהם, מונה את מספר הפעמים שהשתמשו בניגזרות המילה 'אנרגיה' וחורק שיניים מאחורי חיוך מאופק.

אכלתי תוך כדי הליכה וכשהגעתי לאשראם, מצאתי את צחי ישוב לצד שער הכניסה. הוא קפץ לרגליו כשראה אותי.

"מוכן להקזת דם קטנה?" שאל בהבעה מנומנמת.

"מוכן ומזומן. אבל מה אתך? אתה נראה שפוך, בן אדם."

"היה לי לילה ארוך עם אמילי," חייך בעצב. "לבחורה יש הרבה בעיות."

"לא רואים עליה. אני ממש מרגיש אשם שקמת מוקדם. אמרתי לך שאני אסתדר."

"עזוב שטויות, אני לא מספיק עסוק בכדי שאדאג בגלל כמה שעות שינה חסרות."

"לך לישון."

"אחרי שנסיים את הבדיקה והאימון," הבטיח. "עכשיו בוא נלך למרפאה. בוא נתחיל את היום בכדי שאוכל לחזור למיטה."

"עקשן," רטנתי למרות שבליבי שמחתי על כך שהוא אירח לי חברה. למרפאות בהודו היה מוניטין נוראי בשל הזוהמה, המחסור בתרופות וכמובן, הסחר הלא חוקי באיברים . תלונות לא מעטות נשמעו ממטופלים שהגיעו למרפאות בשל פרוצדורות פשוטות כמו עקירות שיניים או הסרת זיהומים מהעור, אומללים שגילו, לאחר שיחרורם הביתה, צלקת באזור הגב התחתון המעידה על כך שהפכו בעל כורחם לתורמי כליות.

"זאת המרפאה?" שאלתי כשצחי נעצר מול מבנה שהיה מוקף בגינה מטופחת וצבוע בלבן מצוחצח.

"כן, מה הבעיה?"

"נראה חשוד כמה שהוא נקי, אתה לא חושב?"

"אצלך הכל נראה חשוד."

הפתעה רבה אף יותר קיבלה את פני בתוך המבנה שהיה בוהק בנקיונו וממוזג, ושהתנהל בצורה תרבותית להפליא. טיפסנו קומה אחת אל חדר הבדיקות ושוב הופתעתי, הפעם מהעובדה שהיו רק שישה בתור לפנינו. שישה זרים ליתר דיוק כאשר ההודים היחידים בקומה השתייכו לצוות המטפלים.

"אני מבין שבחדר הזה מתבצעות בדיקות רק לחברי האשראם," הערתי.

"אכן כן," אישר מתי. "בדיקות האיידס הן הכנסה מבורכת למרפאה."

התיישבנו ליד צעירה בלונדינית בעלת חזה שופע, רגליים ארוכות ושפתיים מלאות וחושניות. היא הייתה שקועה בספר ולא העיפה בנו מבט.

"גרמניה?" שאלתי. היא הרימה את ראשה בחטף.

"כן, איך ידעת?" שאלה.

"סתם ניחוש מוצלח."

היא בחנה אותי בעניין לרגע ממושך מכף רגל ועד ראש, עפעפיה מכווצים לחריכים דקים.

"מחפשת משהו?" שאלתי.

"לא," צחקה ופערה עפעפייה, עיניה הגדולות והכחולות לוכדות את עיניי. "מצטערת אם גרמתי לך אי נוחות. אני פשוט בוחנת את האאורה שלך."

"ומה מצאת?"

"הרבה אנרגיה אבל זה לא מפתיע – אושו מוציא את זה מכולם."

"את פה כבר הרבה זמן?"

"הגעתי רק שלשום."

"רק יומיים וכבר הספקת להגיע לאבחנות מקיפות בנוגע לאנרגיות המקומיות?"

"לא סתם יומיים אלא יומיים עוצמתיים במיוחד," אמרה. "האאורות של האנשים באזור פשוט מדהימות בזוהרן, כה טהורות, חזקות ומלאות אהבה."

"מדהים," הנהנתי, מנסה לרצות את תביעתן של עיניה להכרה. היא הנהנה בחזרה אבל לא השילה את מבטה ממני, השתלהבותה גורמת לי חוסר נוחות נוראה.

"מה את קוראת?" שאלתי בנסיון נואש לשנות את קיבעונו של המצב.

"ספר הרצאות של אושו," הראתה לי את הכריכה.

"איך לא. מעניין?"

"מרתק, מחנך ונותן השראה. אני נהנית מכל מילה."

"ומה למדת עד עכשיו?"

"על הגישה שלו, הדרך בה הוא מנתץ לרסיסים כל פרה קדושה, כל אמונה טפלה וכל עשייה רוחנית מיושנת ומקובעת."

"כמו שמדיטציה לא חייבים לעשות מתחת למפל מים קפואים?" תרמתי את חלקי.

"זוהי דוגמא אחת מיני רבות לדרכים החדשות והמרעננות להתפתחות רוחנית שאושו יצר," הנהנה. "ניתן לומר שהוא שבר את דימוי הבודהא כאיש הדבק ברוח בלבד, את המחשבה שהתפתחות רוחנית מחייבת גישה סגפנית המתעלמת ומתנכרת לארצי, לבן החלוף. אצל אושו יש מקום גם לעשיר, לעשייתו ולהצלחתו. אושו היה הראשון שהדגים איך עשייה רוחנית יכולה להניב פירות קיומיים של ממש. – כסף והנאה."

"שישים רולס-רוייסים וסקס בלי הפסקה?" שאלתי. היא צחקה.

"זורבה הבודהא," אמרה בגאווה. "המאסטר הגדול מכולם."

דבריה של הבלונדינית השופעת הכעיסו אותי בצורה בלתי מוסברת. היה משהו מקומם בתאורו של אושו כ-'זורבה הבודהא', משהו עקרוני שלא יכולתי להסכים עימו אך גם לא להגדיר את הסיבות לחוסר ההסכמה.

"תרגע," לחש צחי שכפי הנראה קלט את חוסר מנוחתי.

"אני רגוע!" עניתי בחריקת שיניים. פניתי חזרה אל הגברת ששוב צמצמה את עיניה והביטה בי בעניין.

"האאורה שלך נראית לא רגועה," איבחנה. "אנרגיה מטורפת."

"אני רגוע!" הרמתי את קולי והיא חייכה בלבביות. עמדתי לשלח בה את חיצי זעמי אך באותו הרגע יצאה אחות מחדר הטיפולים וקראה לה פנימה.

"מה יש לך?" שאל צחי כשהגברת נעלמה מאחורי הדלת הסגורה.

"עיצבנה אותי עם הזורבה בודהא שלה. מאיפה היא הביאה את השם הזה בכלל?"

צחי פרץ בצחוק רועם.

"אתה קורע אותי," אמר. "כל כך קל לעצבן אותך."

"די, צחי, אל תגיד לי שהכנוי הזה לא עיצבן והעליב גם אותך כחסיד נלהב של אושו וכל השאר."

"ממש לא."

"אבל הוא המאסטר שלך."

"בדיוק בגלל זה."

"אני לא יורד לסוף דעתך."

"הכינוי הזה מציין את השילוב האולטימטיבי בין הרוחני ובין הגשמי, בין הנשגב ובין הארצי. אושו היה נושא הדגל של הסימביוזה הזאת ואף היה זה שהמציא לעצמו את הכינוי זורבה הבודהא."

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