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תקציר הפרק הקודם: חווית ההחמצה של הפגישה עם משפחת המהראג'ה של ג'ייפור

 

 

במהלך הארוחה הייתי שקוע במחשבות טורדניות, דבר שהקשה עלי לקחת חלק פעיל בשיחה הערה שקלחה מסביב לשולחן. עניתי בחטף כשפנו אליי, חייכתי, הנהנתי אך בעיקר שמרתי על זכות השתיקה. תודעתי היתה שבויה במילותיו של צחי, באבחנתו הנוקבת לגבי התנהלותי מול טדי.

חשדנות? חוסר אמון? אי נטילת אחריות? פסיכולוגיה בגרוש, מאיפה לכל הרוחות הוא הקריץ את השטויות הללו? מצד שני, אם הכל מצוץ מהאצבע, למה זה מרגיש כל כך נכון? שאלות כאלו ואחרות צצו ועלו מחשכת התת מודע ועימן פרצופים וארועים הקשורים לנושא. בהיתי בחזיונות שחלפו לנגד עיני רוחי במהירות מסחררת, ככלי רכב השועטים על אוטוסטרדה בעלת עשרות נתיבים הם התפתלו בכיוונים שונים ומשונים, מתקרבים, מתרחקים, יוצרים פקקים או פשוט מתנגשים ומתנפצים לרסיסים בקול שאון מחריש אזניים.

תחושת חוסר האוריינטציה שלי היתה מוחלטת ורק הצהרתה של אמילי בדבר היותה נודיסטית בנשמתה הצליחה לדלות אותי לזמן מה מהמערבולת שרחשה בתוך ראשי.

"ואיך זה בא לידי ביטוי?" שאלתי.

"איך מה בא לידי ביטוי?"

"היותך נודיסטית בנשמתך."

"אה," חייכה בעודה מקמרת את גבה, מבליטה את שדיה כנגד בד גלימתה הדקה. "זה מתבטא באהבתי לים ובכך שאני מרבה לשרוץ בו ללא כל בגד לגופי. אין מצב שתראה אותי בבגד ים כשאני על החוף. אני דוגלת במראה הטבעי."

"ולא רק על החוף היא דוגלת במראה הטבעי," צחק צחי. "את אמילי אפשר למצוא מעורטלת בכל הזדמנות וזה לא ממש משנה לה אם הדבר נעשה במקומות בהם ערום נחשב לטאבו או סתם לא חוקי בעליל. אמילי מסוגלת להתפשט במקומות בהם נזירות היו חשות כמופקרות בלבושן הצנוע. "


"אתה מגזים," אמרה בביישנות.

"מגזים, אמילי? כמה פעמים בחייך הקצרים נקנסת על כך שהחלטת להוריד את הבגדים?"

"לא יותר מחמש פעמים," לחשה בפנים סמוקים כשאנחנו מתפקעים מצחוק.

"איך בטוקיו?" שאל צחי כשהשמחה שכחה. "חשבתי לסוע לבקר בעוד כמה חודשים. אני מתגעגע לדוג'ו ולבאסטה שלי בשינג'וקו."

"הדוג'ו עדיין עומד על תילו אבל המצב בבאסטות השתנה לבלי הכר," אמרתי. "בשנה האחרונה לא היה קל לעבוד בטוקיו ושינג'וקו הפכה למקום הגרוע ביותר."

"למה?"

"בגלל הפושעים הישראלים שמנסים לגבות דמי חסות ובגלל השוטרים שסוגרים את הבאסטות ואפילו מחרימים ציוד."

"מה עם היאקוזה?" שאל צחי בהפתעה. "איך הם מאפשרים לזה לקרות?"

"היאקוזה עסוקים במאבקים פנימיים. לא שמעת על מלחמת ששת הימים?"

"מלחמת ששת הימים?"

"מלחמה בין שתי חמולות של מאפיונרים שהחלה כשאחד המנהיגים רצח מנהיג אחר במשחק קלפים."

"נשמע כמו המערב הפרוע."

"יותר כמו סרט סמוראים," אמרתי. "מסתבר שהרוצח שלף חרב ושיפד את חברו, דבר שגרר מלחמה כוללת בין החמולות. במשך שישה ימים השתוללה המערכה ברחובות טוקיו כששינג'וקו נמצאת במוקד המאבקים. היו יריות, דקירות ומכות – אנשים נרצחו ברחובות."


"ואיך זה הסתיים? פשיטות משטרתיות? צבא?"

"הצבא והמשטרה עמדו חסרי אונים כנגד האלימות המטורפת. המלחמה הסתיימה רק כשראש משפחת הפשע הגדולה ביותר הזמין את מנהיגי הניצים לסולחה וכפה עליהם להשלים."

השיחה גלשה לתחומים אחרים ואני חזרתי לשקוע בהרהורים.

"בטוח שאתם עוזבים מחר?" שאל צחי כשהארוחה הסתיימה.

"כך זה נראה," אמרה טסה. "גואה מחכה לנו."

"חבל," נאנח וקפץ לרגליו. "קדימה, גדי, למה אתה מחכה?" קרא בקול מתגרה.

"סליחה?"

"קום ובוא נמצא מקום לאימון קצר. חייבים להתאמן לפני שאתם עוזבים, לא?"

נפרדנו לשלום מטסה ואמילי והתחלנו לפסוע בכיוון ההפוך מהאשראם.

"איך זה להתאמן עם הסינים?" שאל צחי לאחר הפוגה קצרה. "שמעתי שלא קל להיות במחיצתם. היי!" קרא כשלא עניתי. "אתה בכלל שומע? מה קורה איתך? לאן נעלמת?"

"עדיין חושב על מה שאמרת קודם," גנחתי. "כשהיינו במאפיה."

צחי נראה מופתע.

"מה בדיוק אמרתי שיכול היה להשפיע עליך כל כך?" צחק. "אני פולט הרבה דברים אבל בדרך כלל הם תמימים וחסרי השפעה."

"הפעם יצא לך טוב," חייכתי. "ניתוח הסיפור על הפגישה עם טדי היה מפתיע, מדוייק וכואב כמו מהלומת פטיש על הראש."


"מצטער, לא התכוונתי לפגוע."

"חלילה!" קראתי. "לא פגעת אלא להיפך, עשית לי שרות נהדר. הארת את עיני, צחי, חשפת בפני נדבכים באישיותי שלא הקדשתי להם מחשבה מרובה למרות היותם מאוד עקרוניים. התהלכתי כעיוור, פועל על אוטומט, מגיב ומבצע מבלי להבין את מניעיי."

"רגע של הארה!" קרא צחי בהערכה גלויה, "ורק הגעת לפונה. איזה אנרגיות, איזו עוצמה!"

הוא חייך, טפח על ירכיו ופרץ בצחוק רועם. הבטתי בו בהשתאות, לא מבין על מה הצהלה. התפרצות השמחה דעכה במהירות כשעיניו נתקלו בהבעתי העגומה.

"הארה אמורה להיות רגע של שמחה," נזף. "על מה הקדרות שאופפת אותך?"

" קשה לי לחלוק בשמחתך," גנחתי. "בניגוד אליך אני לא מוצא שום אושר בחשיפת צדדים לא נעימים, או אפלים באישיתי. ההארה העלתה לפני השטח את החושך, היא לקחה את האור."

"איזה דרמטי אתה," התפוצץ מצחוק.

"לא דרמטי אלא פרקטי, מציאותי אם תעדיף."

"אני לא מזהה שום פרקטיות או מציאותיות בגישה שלך," גיחך.

"מה כן?"

"התייחסות שלילית. הרבה נתונים וכווני מחשבה נחשפו בפניך אבל אתה בוחר לראות רק את הצד האפל שבאישיותך."

"בגלל שהוא אפל."

"אז מה? למה להתפס לכך? למה לא להתייחס לצדדים השלילים שלך כאל ברי חלוף, כנקודות התייחסות אותן ניתן לשנות ולשפר. למה לראות רק את האפלה? מה רע בקצת אור?"

"שום דבר," הנהנתי. "אתה צודק. אולי באמת הגיע הזמן לשנות את הגישה."

"רצינו אור והאור הגיע! ההכרה בבעיה והרצון לשיפור הינם השלב הראשוני ליצירת השינוי. "

"וגם השלב הקל מכולם," הערתי במרמור וצחי פרץ בצחוק.

"נראה שהכי קל בשבילך זה לחזור לחשכה," אמר. "מה יש לך? מה עבר עליך שהפכת לכזה ציניקן?"

הרהרתי בדבריו בעודנו צועדים בכיוון גושי הבניינים בהם השתכנו חסידי האשראם. עברנו בשביל צר שהיה חנוק משני עבריו על ידי גדרות של בתים.

"איך כאן?"" שאל כשהגענו לפארק עם מדשאה צנועה ומספר ספסלים.

"איך כאן, מה?"

"מקום לאימון?"

"מצויין," עניתי בחוסר התלהבות מופגן. צחי גיחך אך לא אמר מילה.

פסענו אל מרכז הרחבה ולחימום החלטנו לתרגל את קאטאת הטאיי צ'י. לקחתי את מקומי לצידו וסגרתי את עיני, מנסה לרוקן את ראשי מהגיגים ולהתמקד בתנועות. אבל האפקט שנוצר היה הפוך משקיוויתי, המחשבות לא רק שהמשיכו לייסר אלא אף התעצמו עם כל רגע שחלף.

'תפסיק!' נזפתי בעצמי ופקחתי את עיני, מחפש ענין חיצוני שישכיח את חוסר השקט הפנימי. הבטתי בצחי ולשימחתי, ההבדלים הקלים בדרך ביצועינו שבו את תשומת ליבי. במהרה שקעתי כל כולי באימון, גופי נע בשתיקה, מוחי סופג את המידע השונה ומשווה אותו לקיים. כשסיימנו את תרגולי הקאטא עברנו לנתח את האפליקציות הלחימתיות של התנועות. משם המשכנו לתרגול ה-Pushing Hands. לתומי חשבתי כי אימוני הטאיי צ'י האינטסיביים שלי בבייג'ינג יקנו לי יתרון משמעותי על צחי שמעולם לא הניח את כף רגלו בסין ושלמד תחת מורים שאינם בני הגזע הסיני.

קדנו האחד לשני והתמקמנו במרכז רחבת הדשא. התחברנו בעזרת הידיים וצחי דחף בעדינות לעבר מרכז גופי. הגבתי בתנועה סיבובית ששינתה את כיוון הדחיפה בחזרה אליו. צחי נראה נינוח כשהגיב בהסטה משלו, מוסיף כוח לתנועה וחוזר חלילה. המהירות גברה מסיבוב לסיבוב, הידיים טסות הלוך ושוב, שואבות את כוחן מתנועות האגן. היה זה בלתי נמנע שמישהו יחטוף את כל האנרגיה שהצטברה וקיוויתי שיהיה זה צחי.

התכוננתי לשגר את מהלומת המחץ כשלפתע הקרקע כמו נשמטה מתחת לרגלי, משאירה אותי תלוי באוויר. חסר אונים בהיתי בידו של צחי בעודה חוצה את האוויר. כמו בהילוך איטי היא התקרבה אליי, פוגשת במרכז גופי ושולחת אותי במהלך קשתי ועוצמתי לאחור.


"יפה!" קראתי לאחר שגרדתי את עצמי מהרצפה, מרחק של לפחות שני מטרים מנקודת המוצא. "עוד פעם."

"בשימחה."

הוא קטף בקלילות את הנצחון גם בסיבוב השני ואולם הפעם הייתי קשוב יותר לתנועותיו, מבחין בצניחה המינימלית של האגן מתחת לקו התנועה, מהלך שהוסיף רובד נוסף ובלתי צפוי להסטה הסיבובית וגרם לי לאיבוד שיווי המשקל. צחי עצר ורצה לתת הסבר מקיף למעשיו.

"אל תאמר דבר," דרשתי. "תן להגיע למסקנות לבד."

"עקשנות?" שאל. הנעתי ראשי לשלילה.

"מציאת פתרון לתעלומה היא חלק גדול מההנאה."

חזרנו לתרגל ובהדרגה, התחלתי להפנים את מהלכיו, מחקה את מעשיו, קורא את תנועותיו ואף מצליח בצורה סבירה להקשות עליו את הנצחון. היינו ספוגי זיעה כשסיימנו. קדנו האחד לשני והתחלתי להתקדם לעבר ספסל שעמד בפינת הרחבה אך צחי אחז בזרועי.

"חכה רגע, מה עם קצת אייקידו?" אמר. "יש לי כמה שאלות בשבילך."

התעניינותו של צחי היתה בסיומות של טכניקות הטלה ובריחים. התאמנו זמן מה אך מגבלות המקום מנעו מאיתנו ביצוע כהלכה משום הסיכון בפציעה.

"לא חשוב," אמר בחיוך מתוסכל והוביל אל הספסל. התישבנו וסגרתי את עיני, מנסה להרפות את נשימתי. במהרה שבה הקדרות לאכלס את תודעתי, הופכת את ראשי לכבד מנשוא, הנשימה הפכה שטחית התחלתי לשקוע לתוך עצמי.

"אתה הולך לאיבוד," קרא צחי. פקחתי את עיני במהירות. "תראה איך אתה נראה שפוף ומסכן," ציחקק. "חשבתי שהאימון השכיח ממך את המחשבות המעיקות."


"הוא השכיח כל עוד התאמנו אבל איבד את מרבית השפעתו ברגע שהתישבנו. מדהים איך כמה מילים פשוטות יכולות לערער את שלוות הנפש."

"יכולות לערער רק את הנפש הלא שלווה מלכתחילה."

גנחתי והוא הביט בי ממושכות.

"למה שלא תשארו בכל זאת?" אמר. "נראה שיש סיבות טובות בגללן הגעת לפונה."

"תיפוף?"

"טובות יותר מתיפוף. רק תחשוב על כל הבעיות שהמילים המעטות שלי העלו על פני השטח. תאהב את פונה או לא, אתה לא יכול להתכחש לעובדה שזהו מקום עוצמתי ואינטנסיבי. פה תוכלו לנפוש מהטיולים ואולי גם לפתור את בעיותיך. הכי חשוב – אנחנו נוכל להתאמן. הידעת כי באשראם יש…"

"אני לא בנוי להיות חבר באשראם," קטעתי אותו בחדות. "אין לי כוח לשטויות שלהם."

"שטויות או לא, יש להם פה דוג'ו מדוגם בצורה מעוררת כבוד. כמובן שנוכל להמשיך ולהתאמן פה בפארק אבל כפי שאתה רואה, אם רוצים להטיל או לבצע את הטכניקות בלי חשש, צריך מקום עם מזרן."

"ויתנו לנו להתאמן מבלי שאצטרך להפוך לחסיד של אושו?"

"לא נראה לי אבל אני יכול לברר. אני אשאל את המדריך ואעדכן אותך בבוקר. נראה לך שטסה תסכים להישאר?"

"אני אנסה לשכנע אותה אבל זה הולך להיות קשה. אושו זה לא בשבילנו, אין לנו צורך בגורו או כל שטות אחרת מהסוג הזה."

"כל שטות אחרת מהסוג הזה," חזר על דברי ומיד פצח בצחוק רועם.

"מה?" שאלתי. "מה מצחיק לעזאזל?"

"לשמוע אותך אומר דבר כזה. פתאום נזכרתי שאתה בעצמך גורו מדופלם."

הפרק הקודם  הפרק הבא

 

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